Disguises
by Hikaru a
Summary: Aoshi reflects on the consequences of his love for Misao. Either way he turns, there is a chance of hurting her. Sheding his disguises is the only way he will ever be able to find out the solution to his problem.


  
Disguises  
by Hikaru  
  
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The night sky gave no comfort to Aoshi. In fact, it was making him  
feel worse. Only a week back at the Aoiya and he already felt like  
leaving again. And this time, he'd stay away. Away from the  
temptation. Away from the seduction. Away from the girl known as  
Misao.   
  
Misao.  
  
Just one week. All that it took was one week. She grown so much.   
Her eyes were much older now. She proudly bore the scars that she   
had suffered, just for the sake of him.  
  
It all came so easily to her.   
  
How?  
  
Aoshi had tried himself on several occasions to release himself   
from the barriers that he himself had made. To shed his false calm  
exterior and finally tell her how he felt.   
  
But no. He couldn't do that. After all she was still just a child.  
Even through she *had* grown in the past years that he was gone,   
her innocence was still there. She still sang songs in the garden,  
acted immature in the most inopportune times, and still insisted   
that Aoshi himself tuck her in every night.  
  
How childish was that?  
  
Aoshi could understand the tucking in thing if Misao were still  
seven or eight, but she was sixteen now, almost seventeen. It was  
time for her to grow up.  
  
But why do you want her to grow up?  
  
Her growing up would ruin everything. The peaceful bond that Aoshi  
controlled himself with. No, if Misao grew up- that would be the  
end.   
  
Aoshi would no longer be in control of his emotions, and that was  
what he feared most. That fragile scale would tip over and he   
could never be in control again.   
  
The primal urge to take her into his arms was becoming greater day  
by day. And yet, Misao had no knowledge of this. She would   
continue on, talking to him, smiling at him, unknowing that she   
was torturing him.  
  
To grow up or not to grow up. Either way Misao decided, Aoshi knew  
the results would be devastating. He would kill all the life   
within her. With his own hands he would destroy the very thing   
that he had come to love and cherish.  
  
Misao's happiness.  
  
He would gladly sacrifice himself for her happiness; and yet the  
way things were going, in a way he was. It was eating him up  
inside. His feelings for her were getting harder and harder to   
ignore as time passed.   
  
Maybe he was over reacting. Maybe it would be okay. Maybe it would  
be great.  
  
But it seemed as if everything he touched he had destroyed.  
  
Hannya. . .  
  
Beshimi. . .  
  
Shikijou. . .  
  
Hyotoko. . .  
  
Who was to say that Misao would not share the same fate as them if  
he indeed gave into his emotions and took her as his.   
  
His.  
  
How he longed to just say that Misao was his. Anyone who talked to  
her would know, Misao belonged to Aoshi.   
  
Aoshi closed his eyes to the night sky. It wasn't helping him. It  
was making him feel worse.   
  
Images flowed into his mind. The image of a half-naked Misao  
caressing his lips with hers. Wrapping herself around he. Aoshi  
embracing her within his arms and never letting go.  
  
No!  
  
Pushing the dream far back into his mind, he once again opened his  
eyes.   
  
"I prefer being confused." He said aloud to the sky, half-smiling.  
  
A voice came from behind him. "Aoshi-sama?"   
  
Scarred by the voice, he flinched for a moment. He didn't have to   
turn around. He knew exactly who it was. He preferred not to look  
at her, however. He would be able to have more control if he  
didn't; a tactic that he often used. "What is it Misao?" He said  
in a cold voice. Secretly Aoshi hoped that his tone would scare  
her away.   
  
Unfortunately, for Aoshi, it didn't.  
  
Misao placed her hand upon Aoshi's back. Her touch was so gentle,  
so fragile. Aoshi could feel goosebumps taking over his body.   
  
Please don't do this to me Misao. I can't withstand you for much  
longer. I don't think I can keep my lust for you hidden if you  
continue to-  
  
Touch.  
  
Her hand slowly traced Aoshi's spine, finally stopping at his   
shoulders. She stepped in closer, smiling at him. "Hey, what are  
you doing out here all alone?"  
  
"Escaping." Aoshi flatly said.  
  
Why did I say that? Oh gods, now she was going to ask-  
  
"Escaping from what?" Misao said, a confused look on her face.   
"Are you okay, Aoshi-sama?"  
  
"I'm fine." He continued to watch the night sky. Don't make me  
look at you Misao. "I'm just escaping from the ruckus." He   
explained.  
  
"Oh." She said, walking over to the rail guard, placing herself  
next to him. "Do you mind if I join you?"  
  
Actually yes, you're the reason I'm escaping! Can't you see how  
you're confusing me Misao? Stop looking at me with those loving  
eyes. I don't deserve your love. I deserve you spitting in my face  
and letting me rot alone. Why can't I just say-  
  
"Do whatever pleases you." Aoshi finally said after a brief moment  
of thought.   
  
Aoshi had no idea of how long the two had been standing there, in  
silence. Watching the night sky. His mind had shut off the fact  
that *she* was standing right next to him, watching him and not  
the sky like he was. He wouldn't allow himself to take advantage  
of this one moment the two had. Together. Alone.   
  
No he couldn't do anything could he? Making any sort of move would  
disturb the balance.   
  
A gust of wind hit the two. Leaning her head upon Aoshi's shoulder  
Misao sighed.   
  
Panicking, Aoshi tensed up. Was that a sigh of happiness? Didn't   
she realize that if they did anything- if he did anything-  
  
No she wouldn't.   
  
This whole thing came natural to her.  
  
Aoshi pulled himself away from Misao's head and began to walk back  
into the Aoiya. Misao turned quickly and called to him,  
"Aoshi-sama?"  
  
Don't answer.  
  
Don't answer.  
  
Answering would mean the end.  
  
Just leave.  
  
Run away from it.  
  
But I'm sick of running.  
  
"Yes, Misao?" Aoshi paused before the door, surprising Misao. Yet,  
he still did not look at her.   
  
"Aoshi-sama..." Misao gazed at him longingly. She wanted to end  
this eternal suffering of his, to ease his pain in some way. "Good  
night Aoshi-sama."  
  
Aoshi turned to face Misao.   
  
Balance.   
  
Maybe she is what he *needed* to achieve this so-called balance.   
Looking into her sea-foam eyes he found the answer. Tell her. Hold  
her. She will not push you away. All you have to do is shed your  
disguise.   
  
But tonight would not be the night he would tell her.   
  
Aoshi nodded. "Good night Misao." He then turned back to the door  
and slowly slid it open.  
  
Patiently, Misao watched as he pulled open the door. Her hands  
clasped together and resting upon her bosom. Quietly, she   
whispered "Aoshi-sama."  
  
Time was not on his side. Would she wait until he got the guts to  
destroy his emotional walls? Misao was young. Attractive. Just at  
the age to fall in love with some idiot and marry him. Could he  
take that chance and risk Misao's touch?  
  
No. He had wasted enough time.  
  
Hopefully, *he* was the idiot.  
  
Again, Aoshi paused in his leave. "Ne, Misao."  
  
"Hai?" Misao responded, half gulping. She hadn't expected him to  
say anything else to her.  
  
His back was still towards her. He could not look in her eyes  
still. The last thing he needed was to melt before her and just   
blabber things. Aoshi did not want her to think of him as a fool.  
"You know that I-" His voice cracked.  
  
"That you're-?" She continued his sentence, taking a step forward.  
Now he was scaring her. What was Aoshi up to?  
  
"That I-" He finally gathered the strength to face her. Slowly he  
placed his hands on her shoulders.   
  
Stay in control.   
  
Stay in control.  
  
"That I love-" He swallowed hard to try and destroy the lump in  
his throat. "That I love-"   
  
Come on! Say it you idiot!   
  
You've repeated the words over and over in your mind. You've   
blocked the words over and over in your mind. It's time tell her!  
She may not stay if you don't.  
  
"That I love you?" Misao questioned.  
  
"Huh?" Aoshi blinked, not believing what he had just heard. "Yes.  
That *I* love *you*."  
  
A warm smile appeared on Misao's face. She looked almost  
satisfied.  
  
Don't tell me that she knew all along-  
  
"Oh Aoshi-sama," Misao lifted her hand to his face and traced his  
features. Her touch had a magical feel to it. It healed Aoshi. All  
of his doubts and fears were beginning to disappear. "I love you   
too."  
  
A slight boyish grin grew on Aoshi's face. Cautiously, he brought  
her into his embrace slowly. The feeling that came upon Aoshi   
tipped the scales of his balance. A rush of emotions filled his   
body. Her touch, he wanted more of it.   
  
Misao, you don't realize how long I've longed for this.  
  
'Stay in control.' A voice echoed in his head.  
  
He slowly pushed Misao away, trying not to seem appalled at what  
had just passed. She would understand. He wasn't ready to totally  
shed his disguise quite yet. He turned back to the door, the smile   
still on his face. He had told her. The heavy weight that had   
rested on his shoulders for god-knows-how-long, was now lifted. He   
had told her. She knew. Aoshi desired nothing more at that moment.  
  
"Good night Misao."  
  
Temptation would have to take over another night.  
  
  
  
Fin  
  
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Author's Notes:  
  
..... I sometimes scare myself on how quickly I can crank out   
A & M fiction. That's two in two days x_O And even though they  
aren't long like my usual style, I love both of `em :D This one is   
a bit more focused on Aoshi's POV than 'Can You Keep a Secret?',  
which is easier to write... ummm... yeah right! _  
  
Aoshi confuses the heck out of me. He jumps from one thing to   
another when it comes to emotions. The dude just can't make up his  
mind! That's why there's a lot of jumping in this fic. Sorry, I   
tried to stay in character as much as possible.   
  
So what did you think of the ending? *dodges hordes of purple  
trout* Oh come on, you didn't think I'd actually let them get   
together did you? Come on, it's Hikaru here! _ Master of evil   
angst and nasty cliffhangers even though this is a one shot   
  
^^; *meekly* I thought it was a good place to stop...  
  
  
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Standard Disclaimer:  
  
I don't own Misao or Aoshi or any other characters mentioned in   
this short. I do not own them I tell you! Nobuhiro Watsuki does   
though. And so does Sony and Jump Comics. And they are big   
companies that have lots of money. I am a poor otaku who has *no*   
money. So please don't sue me. This fiction was created for   
entertainment purposes only ^^;  
  
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